From Botox to Blockbuster.

I'm contacted by an influencer who wants to break into the film industry. Naturally, I have nothing useful to offer, but I think she might know things from which I could benefit. We meet for coffee in The Old Town. She's probably around 25 years old, but since she's had surgery and injected Botox and fillers everywhere, she looks like 45. I'm not judging; I'm just stating a fact.

-I want to start acting and directing and stuff, she declares with a look like a dead herring.

-It’s brave to reconsider your life choices and ask yourself what you want out of life.

-I know, she says, sipping coffee with lips that look like they might burst at any second.

-Have you checked out the Royal Swedish Academy of Fine Arts or The Dramatic  Institute?

-God, no! I don't need an education, I already have over 200,000 followers and get tons of offers.

-It took me 10 years to learn to write scripts properly, I say quietly.

-But you don't need that now, she says, looking at me as if I were a corpse.

She has a point. The film and TV climate in Sweden is so desperate that many imagine the solution is to throw in famous people with lots of followers. Everyone can write, act, and direct. How hard can it be?

-I already have a great idea, she adds. A super hot girl who is also an astronaut falls head over heels for a guy just days before she's going to Mars.

-Absolutely. Then it turns out she's pregnant and has to give birth in zero gravity without pain relief? I suggest constructively.

-No, that's disgusting.

-What happens during the years they're apart then?

-Are you always this negative? she asks and starts checking her phone.

-I’m having surgery in a week or so, I say suddenly.

She looks up and studies my face carefully.

-Yes, there are quite a few areas for improvement.

-No, I'm having a kidney transplant and have asked for an influencer to be my surgeon. She wrinkles her nose and bares her teeth. It's probably an attempt at a smile; otherwise, her face is completely blank.

-I think it will be fantastic live content. Someone clueless rummaging through my body and ends up cutting out my heart and then replacing it with a pig’s kidney attached with Gaffer Tape.

-What is Gaffer Tape? she finally asks.

-Learn that, and your drama career is secured.