The Defrosted

In the year 2324, a spectacular discovery was made by chance. A sealed cavern was found containing hundreds of cryogenic chambers, each housing a frozen human from the year 2024, hoping to one day be resurrected. Some sought to cure an incurable disease, while the vast majority longed to wake up in a future where science had paved the way for extended lifespans.

As it turned out, their $200,000 was not entirely wasted. Technological progress had made it possible to thaw people from -197°C and revive them. The bad news was that the majority in the tanks were around 80 years old and filthy rich. So the planet suddenly had a flock of privileged individuals scurrying around smelling like old freezers that had never been defrosted. They might get their long-awaited 40 extra years of life, thanks to new diets and genetically engineered drugs. The fact that they still leaked like a sieve and had to wear adult diapers somewhat reduced the initial joy. The butt plug took on a whole new function.

Sadly, dementia was still not curable or stoppable, leaving many with decades ahead of them with the consciousness of a mandarin. Those who were still mentally intact were hugely annoying people who were used to being listened to. They demanded media attention and could never stop talking about how amazing and successful their lives had been. It soon became clear that the ultimate motive for the freeze was that they believed they had so much to give to future generations. A crash course in ruining the planet? someone asked and was met with a slightly frostbitten evil eye.

Relatives of the Defrosted were also allowed to meet their distant ancestors, which didn't lead to anything good. Small children were frightened out of their wits, and adults were faced with the dilemma of dealing with an ancient relative who demanded attention, service, and meat-based fast food. What the Defrosted people didn't realize was that in 300 years, humanity had evolved. Among other things, it had stopped being obsessed with the idea of living as long as possible. The optimum is to live as well as possible for as long as possible. The human body has an expiry date, just like any other living thing, a scientist told them matter-of-factly. The Defrosted shouted angrily that it was just an opinion and that they felt offended by having their dream questioned. They therefore demanded to be frozen again and thawed when scientists had learned to become more customer friendly and market oriented. So the Defrosted bitterly went back into their capsules for another dreamless sleep.

What they had forgotten is the indisputable fact that you can't defrost meat more than once.