The Gang School.

A new private school has been established for secondary school students who want to pursue a career as gang criminals. I am hired by a newspaper that doesn’t want to expose its permanent writers to life-threatening situations, so I’m sent out to interview the headmaster.

-There’s been a lack of a school that teaches the basics of how to become a gang criminal, explains headmaster Urban Zetterlöv in a broad Gothenburg accent. He promises comprehensive teaching in everything from handling weapons and explosives, drug knowledge, money laundering, and basic criminal law to argot.

-Argot? I wonder.

-Being well-acquainted with the terms and concepts that are prevalent in the industry is crucial for being able to act credibly and rise through the ranks.

-Where do the students come from?

-Everywhere. Previously, it was just the youths from the suburban slums, but now we see a clear trend that even native Swedes from affluent areas long to become part of the criminal world. And that is truly positive.

-How so?

-I see it as a process of democratisation. Nowadays, all parents, regardless of socio-economic factors or demographics, have given up on trying to raise their children. No one bothers to take parental responsibility anymore. Some even hide behind the old cliché from the 60s that it’s society’s fault when children choose a criminal path, laughs Urban, pouring himself a bit more coffee.

-And you have no issues with starting a school that fosters crime and trains murderers?

-I see record numbers of young people longing for community and a purpose.

-And gang crime offers this?

-Oh yes. There is camaraderie, entrepreneurship, and big money for everyone.

-And violence and substance abuse…

-That exists in all workplaces, Urban interrupts me brusquely. Here we teach the youths to use Tramadol judiciously, so they can execute someone with both emotions and weapons under control.

-What a relief…

-I know. There’s a snobbery in the education system that has always irritated me. People dismissed the two-year vocational programmes when they came along too, but look at how many mechanics and nurses we got because of that. And this hunt for private schools continues despite the fact that most of them offer a better education than the municipal ones.

-So who owns the school?

-Two gang leaders who believe so strongly in this school that they have set aside their rivalries and are financing it together.

-So it’s blood money?

-Blood money? Urban says, looking at me wistfully. What is that? All revenue for criminal gangs comes from ordinary, decent Swedes who buy a bit of relaxation. It could be drugs, smuggled spirits, prostitutes, or other things that add a bit of sparkle to life.

I watch Urban as he comfortably starts devouring a blueberry muffin.

-But doesn’t it concern you that young people are dying in gang violence?

-Oh please, spare me, Urban says, licking his fingers. There are plenty of professions where the career is short. Ballet dancer, circus artist, astronaut, elite athlete, etc. The youths choose our school because they are passionate about becoming gang criminals; they are fully aware of the risks.

I conclude the interview by photographing Urban posing with an assault rifle in the teacher's room.

-What do you think of the headline: A GANG BANG SCHOOL? he says, laughing so hard that he accidentally fires a round into the plaster ceiling.